my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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