Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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