I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize