We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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