And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
