Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
