Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
