Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm always down for nudity.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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