my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
