never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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