Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
