I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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