he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
