i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
