i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
These tits shall not be calmed
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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