i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
