weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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