i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
