Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
