Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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