She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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