She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
