sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my liver is dry heaving
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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