judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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