you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
