running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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