dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
