the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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