You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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