I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
