Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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