You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
