So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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