Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
