The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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