shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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