I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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