So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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