Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
