Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize