Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
