I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
