I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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