When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
