he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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