Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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