I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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