i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
