I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
