farters have to be the big spoon...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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