All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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