you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
