You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
