I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
