Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
