I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
