The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
